Of perfection and punishment...

Chris' insight on perfectionism really hit home this weekend. For me, the push for perfection has always included some self-deprecating punishment when it could not be achieved. And, as Chris questioned, just what is the definition? I can play a mighty game of "change the rules" anytime I wanted to either feel perfect or perfectly fail.
... So Saturday, I relaxed in the company of some dear friends - and I indulged in some pretty rich food, dry red wine and delicious bakery cake. It was such a nice night - celebrating, reminscing ... By the time I left, I was feeling "bad," and "guilty" in my head and kinda uncomfortable in my stomach. By Sunday, I was in full regret mode - and ready to be "punished" at the scale, or as I got into my jeans. Lo and behold, instead of growing two sizes that day (like I thought I would/deserved) I was still the same - still 10 pounds lighter since I first committed to the Project, still making good choices (skipped all the starches to have that yummy cake) still working on it all -- and that was it. No lightening strikes, no bad karma. Wow, could I really be letting go of the crime and punishment style of change? Can it really be so simple that perfect is just ... perfectly me?
I think this is big - wondering if you all feel the same. There are so many arenas to dance the perfect-or-punished tango -- work, home, with my kids, with my spouse... Maybe all we need is to be perfectly present - in whatever we are in. No judging. No expectation of the other shoe dropping.
Just right.
Thanks for listening,
Kelly

thanks!

Thank you all for the encouragement! Today WAS a better day! But, holy cow, can you say forearm planks!!! :)

ever have one of those days ..............?

You know, when you try to be productive, and you should have just stayed on the couch all day?

A day off, a day to get some things done and reconnect with the kids ... so I start with trying to make some calls to change my address for our upcoming move (trying to be that organized, checklisted person who gets this done without sweat). Every place I call is either:
1. closed for the holiday
2. directs me to five different extensions and then disconnects
3. informs me that I have to make the request in writing .... argh!
so I try to get some done online ... that is not happening, either! Every website orders you to create an account, password, etc. and so forth -- I will need a week off to do it this way!
So I forward my mail on USPS website and call it a morning....
....Then I take to kids to see a movie at Cinema Grill .. Somehow, I leave my keys at the desk when I pay, and by the time I realize this (after the show) I find out that they were given to another, equally unorganized woman who thought she lost hers! (and left the theater, before I did, with my keys) ... long story made short: she brought them back, all is well...
So we head to the vet for a checkup for Maya, our 15-year-old pooch, and now she is set for surgery on Thursday! (Note: My intention for this week was to smile more, yea, that's working.)
I get home and commit a series of clumsy moves trying to clean the car and get ready to go do my intervals - and finally just have to laugh when I pour an entire water bottle's worth of cold H2O on my car seat!
...So I didn't maim myself or anyone else during the intervals, which is good! But, does anyone else's thighs feel like concrete?
I think I am ready to call it a night - good luck to all with the new strength and toning exercises tomorrow!

Where did this week go?

Is it really Friday? I don't know how, I don't know where this week went. I ate, I slept, I ran, and somehow, it is all a blur. I DO remember telling some restaurant folks that I am diabetic just to get the calorie count for a lousy salad (mea culpa) and "trying" to meditate -- that doesn't even sound right, does it?
I feel in a bit of a fog, hope to clear this away before the start of the new week and workouts!
I am also looking for anyone who might want to run together near the northwest side ... I am not fast and not a great chatty running partner, but I will show up if we plan to meet and I will give it my best! :)
I think I am going to partner yoga on Saturday, so I hope everyone enjoys Patrick's class and meeting after -- I'm going to use that time to see my Sam play basketball!
Waking up ...
Kelly

ready for recovery ...

When Chris talked about recovery week after his Saturday class, I thought it all sounded good, but not really necessary. Okay, THEN I got out of bed this morning AFTER Chris' class and a really hectic week -- and I am welcoming recovery with open arms. Seriously, I was flat out EXHAUSTED today. It took all my energy to get to the store and to cook up some food for the week. I've been putting so much energy into everything lately - and I am just a wrung-out sponge right now.
I am looking forward to a lighter week, thinking I might swim for some of my aerobic training and give my joints a break! I hope everyone enjoys the rest and is raring to go for week 5!
For now, time for some Sleepytime tea .... sleep well! :)

Meditation

Oprah.com had a pretty good piece on mediation today, so I thought I would share the link. The additional articles at the end are interesting.
http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200809_omag_mind_spa

I've got to make time to meditate before I want to fall asleep at night. Lately, I've been getting to bed pretty late, and I wait until then to meditate. I think I need to set aside a special time, maybe light a candle ... I would love to hear anyone else's thoughts or suggestions.
Tomorrow is Friday and warm weather is on the way - what could be better!
Rock on, everyone! :)

perceptions et al ....

Just read Chris' blog, and it really hit home. Yesterday, when I weighed myself, I was seven pounds lighter than when I started The Project. Sounds good, right?
... Enter perception: "Is that all? After all this hard work? Shouldn't those pounds be just sliding off my bones?"
... Then, reality comes in to confuse the perception: When is the last time I have EVER lost seven pounds? What is so HARD about eating great food that gives me more energy and exercising my stress and blues away?
Result? A growing feeling of love, strength and satisfaction. A ball of old habits unraveling, revealing the frays and weaving together something new. Newness that demands attention, documentation, planning ... and rewards with refreshing awareness and rejuvenated spirit. Gently, I nudge myself away from the perception that sabotages and inch toward the one that heals. And then, the nutrition log, and the stacks of tupperwares, the new recipes, the creative workout schedules all become part of this much bigger journey than the one I take each week to the scale.
I remember when I quit smoking -- the horrid second time -- and I struggled so much that I knew I would not smoke again. And I haven't -- because I fought for it, and in doing so, fought for me. The Project, to me, is less struggle, but similar in that I do not want to go back. I don't want to undo the good things I have done for my body and soul thusfar. My perceptions may be persistent and stubborn, but they can and will embrace change.
Thanks, Chris, for opening my eyes and heart to this lesson.

Live Everything

I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all
that is unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like
locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.

Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will
then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926)

Random thoughts for the weekend

Is everyone ready for Week 3? It's time to let go of this past week of success and failure, and that feels great.
I finally went out Friday night, and saw "Slumdog Millionaire" with my dear friend. You know you have incredible support when your friend is willing to sneak bags of 100-calorie popcorn into the theater, along with some vitamin water! An amazing movie, and no guilt! :)
Saturday, I was little more careless. We celebrated Chinese New Year in our home with four other families and 11 energetic children. I stuck to the chicken and broccoli and vegetable mai fun, but I didn't pay much attention to how much I ate. AND, I broke down and had that glass of wine. Oddly, it just didn't taste that great. I'm sure it would have been better with the brownies or fried banana dessert, but I knew I couldn't handle that much guilt!
... Just made a big pot of white bean and chicken chili - I'd be happy to share the recipe if anyone is interested.
... Okay, time for bed. Rock on, everyone!