Friday, March 27, 2009

Letting go

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

4 minutes

That's all it took to eat about 400 calories yesterday. In 4 minutes, I ate:
* a square of Ghiradelli dark chocolate
* a Girl Scout thin mint cookie
* two Hershey kisses
* a handful of potato chips
... and I didn't even realize it until it was over.
That is the part that just terrifies me! Emotional. zombie eating ... I was stressed and sad - stabbed in the back at work and did not see it coming ... and I came home to prepare my white chicken chili and prepare to workout, and the autopilot kicked in ... It's been a long time since I've gone there ... My focus during the Project is to eat consciously, not matter what I eat. Zombie eating and stuffing my body is an all-too-familiar habit. I was bulimic through high school and college. In grad school, I gave up the purging and alternated between being fat and being a workout machine. Now I am 44 and and a mother and a woman who just wants to live life consciously, including what goes into my mouth. The Project has been a blessing -- you can't get more conscious than counting every calorie, preparing nutritious food, savoring the sweet treats ...
And here I was back in the binge saddle again. I cut up a green pepper and munched, hoping the bitterness would break my stupor. I drank some water, I tried to keep the head chatter down ... I made it through, but damn, now I am scared again. Damn, I thought I had that one figured out, squared away, down pat ...
I feel a bit ridiculous writing this - I have lots of support, lots of options and I've had lots of success. I know I won't fall all the way down into the rabbit hole. I guess the old holes just seem a lot darker.
I doubled up my workout last night and that felt great, and I will do it again tomorrow, because I needed some time tonight to veg, and to blog. Now, I think I need to sleep. With all of you in this journey, Kelly

please pray...

... for my friend Karen, whose mother is coming home from the hospital with hospice. She has valiantly battled cancer for years. Thank you!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

sunday, sunday

Back to the blog! Lack of time and insight has stymied my blogging. My head has been too full of the days "to dos" that I haven't sat down to form a full sentence in weeks! :)

Where is everyone? I am missing your humor, your daily aches and achievements ... Saturday a.m.s with Chris and everyone fill me up - but your blogs are the best refills ever!

I am digging out of boxes, planning a Star Wars/Clone Wars birthday for my seven-year-old Sam and wondering if I will EVER slow down enough to hear the birds outside my great new home, or see the hawks swooping through my yard. Can you send your mind on spring break??

Still having lots of ankle tightness - feels like I've lost flexibility with the injury. Drawing on all my patience reserves right now. Paul was talking about his inner bad-guy (okay, prick) and I am thinking that mine is uber exposed right now! :) I'd like her to chill out and climb back inside for awhile ...
... Here's to a week of warm weather and cool challenges. Wishing you all the best!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

good thing it's recovery week...

... I went into this week pretty gung-ho after my moving madness. And I was bummed to miss the trail run Sunday, so I decided to head out of Eagle Creek yesterday to try one with Matt, my husband. The weather was great, the woodpeckers were pecking, and I was loving it! (Yes, one of those "I hate running" people who has been convinced/converted) Then, big bummer: I twisted my ankle on some rocks! I came home and did ice, elevation and ibuprofen, and I stayed off of it as much as I could today. It looks nothing like poor Sam's ankle - mine is just a little swollen and achy. Wondering how long I have to wait to run again, trying to just make it part of recovery ... any advice is welcome!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Finish strong

These days, I feel anything but strong at the finish. May this little video inspire you as it did me!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

moving mayhem ...

Fellow Project Peeps!
I miss you much and feel very disconnected at the moment. I spent last weekend moving my family from our home of 13 years to a new home about 4 miles away. I think I underestimated how tough this would be - physically and emotionally - so I did not take much time off from work, and worked 'round the clock to make it happen.
In the midst of the boxes and bags and "now where do I put this?" decisions, our hard drive crashed and I lost all my BTWG logs. We are trying to recover them, but the loss of computer also kept from me logging on to read blogs, daily check ins, etc....And then my son got sick, work got worse and my crap (stuff in boxes) seems to multiply every time I clear one of those cardboard suckers out! In short, I feel like I lost control of everything in my life, and I don't do well with chaos.
I am focused on the positive: a new space for my family, with lots of birds and trees ... a new place to make memories and share with family and friends (yes, promise to host a BTWG party when I dig out)...I am grateful for the love and support of my family (my two amazing brothers who flew out here just to help us move) and my friends who have helped in so many ways to make this transition. (One friend who really supports my effort with The Project even made my healthy food at her home on Sunday, so I could keep eating right - how great is that!)
More than anything, I am SO GLAD that throughout this crazy time, I have been "in" BTWG as best as I can! I remember thinking that this - this STUFF of life - was the reason I could NOT do BTWG (until Chris helped me identify my lame excuse)... And now, somehow, this "gotta do this and that for BTWG" has become "I can't wait to do this and that for BTWG," because I can see how much better this all is when I take care of myself ... I missed some workouts and then doubled up on some days, too. I ate pizza on moving day, but only a slice, not a pie! :) And when I feel like I just can't breathe because of time, committments, etc., I let myself breathe HARD as I run or lift weights through my workouts!
So things are a mess and probably will be for awhile (grrr.....) And today I think I will try a run in my new neighborhood with some sunshine and a smile. I can't wait to see you on Saturday and hear how things are going! Thank you again for reading and being part of this process!