Wednesday, March 25, 2009

4 minutes

That's all it took to eat about 400 calories yesterday. In 4 minutes, I ate:
* a square of Ghiradelli dark chocolate
* a Girl Scout thin mint cookie
* two Hershey kisses
* a handful of potato chips
... and I didn't even realize it until it was over.
That is the part that just terrifies me! Emotional. zombie eating ... I was stressed and sad - stabbed in the back at work and did not see it coming ... and I came home to prepare my white chicken chili and prepare to workout, and the autopilot kicked in ... It's been a long time since I've gone there ... My focus during the Project is to eat consciously, not matter what I eat. Zombie eating and stuffing my body is an all-too-familiar habit. I was bulimic through high school and college. In grad school, I gave up the purging and alternated between being fat and being a workout machine. Now I am 44 and and a mother and a woman who just wants to live life consciously, including what goes into my mouth. The Project has been a blessing -- you can't get more conscious than counting every calorie, preparing nutritious food, savoring the sweet treats ...
And here I was back in the binge saddle again. I cut up a green pepper and munched, hoping the bitterness would break my stupor. I drank some water, I tried to keep the head chatter down ... I made it through, but damn, now I am scared again. Damn, I thought I had that one figured out, squared away, down pat ...
I feel a bit ridiculous writing this - I have lots of support, lots of options and I've had lots of success. I know I won't fall all the way down into the rabbit hole. I guess the old holes just seem a lot darker.
I doubled up my workout last night and that felt great, and I will do it again tomorrow, because I needed some time tonight to veg, and to blog. Now, I think I need to sleep. With all of you in this journey, Kelly


  1. Kelly,
    Don't beat yourself up too badly. You are aware of your rabbit holes and just need to watch for them. I am sorry that your bad streak led you to that outcome but it happens. At least you stopped and did not continue with the bad foods. I have addressed some areas of my life that were not so pleasant and it is funny how looking back they become darker. My thought is that as time passes and I can avoid those bad areas, they become so dark that they disappear farther into the past and can't pop back up so easily. Hang in there!

  2. Kelly-
    I am sorry your had the 4 minutes and I understand the frustration and doubt. I too have slipped up and after I really thought it and why it happened I found some things that I needed to address. I think it is just part of the experience and an opportunity to grow. You cannot beat yourself up- you have done an amazing job! Stick some dynamite in those rabbit holes and blow 'em wide open, see what is down there and tackle it head on- no darkness.

  3. Four minutes is not a lifetime, friend. You're back on track - actually, you were never off it, just wandered a tad to the side.

    My heart hurts for what happened at work....those are the things that pierce the heart and are so easy to relive in your head over and over. Don't let the hurt have that power over you....address it all head on so it can't continue to be a mental and emotional distraction and reclaim your focus. So proud of you for everything you've done and so thankful for all that you share so eloquently and with heart. xox

  4. Awesome outreach and support, gang. Proud of each of you.